In half-bloom

Is there anyone still reading this old and dusty blog? Biasalah, hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Masa awal-awal tu je semangat. After that, writer's block, konon. Terus dah takde idea dah. But now there's so much to be told I don't quite know where to begin. How long has it been since my last post? Almost a year? Really? So much has happened.

I've graduated Foundation (with flying colours, if I may add XD). I've started my Degree and am now officially a university student - and feeling all grown up even though home is just an hour away. And now first semester finals are inching closer and I'm just starting to catch the momentum to study, study and study. Last minute, as always. When will you break this habit, Habibah? But before I go off and study (Principles of Electrical Engineering and Electronic Devices. Such killer subjects!), there are two things I'd like to talk about.

Firstly, Sir Roy. For our first semester in BMI, we're required to take a preparatory IELTS class. It carries zero credit hours but is important because an IELTS score of at least Band 6.5 is one of MARA's requirements to fly to the UK. Sir Roy teaches it. I still remember our first class with him. We were all scared. He's the kind of person that can make your heart jump and beat uncontrollably loudly with just a glance. Even after a semester with him, I still sometimes have trouble meeting his eyes. But, oh, he cares. He cares so much for his students and it shows and it tugs at my heart sometimes, to think that he'll still be thinking of me years from now. I won't forget you, sir. The first person to ever notice and comment on my British Accent, although he said it sounded American at first, grrrr. His words then were, "Your accent is your strength." I never saw it that way before. To be honest, it was embarrassing to sound so different from everyone else. I have tried to tone down my accent, but the British-ness of it didn't quite go away. It couldn't and I'm glad it didn't. Because now I see it as a gift, as an advantage that I have that not many people can have. I've realized my accent is a precious thing. It makes me different, which is not altogether a bad thing. This realization has led to a newfound confidence, which brings me to my next point.

I am blooming. I know it sounds weird, but I think of myself as a flower. All this while, through high school and foundation, I was still a bud. Many others had started blooming but I was still latent. I wonder if people reading will understand this.... Am I being too symbolic? Basically, now I'm less afraid and generally more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not fully there yet. I still don't put my hand up or voice my opinions out in class all that often, and I'm not sure I ever will; the latter is especially daunting. But at least I'm confident during presentations and this has an effect on the audience too. They listen. This makes me extremely happy because for once in my life, I know I exist. And this blossoming of mine was only possible here in BMI. In this very environment, surrounded by exactly these people. It couldn't have happened at KMKN, where there were too many stars, or PASUM, where everything was overwhelming, or Jalan 2. The conditions weren't optimum. Neither was I ready. I think that's the purpose of education. To make us ready. We are all buds, and through education we blossom. 

Now I feel like I really belong here, in this program. I've always felt like my life's achievements have all been due to luck. I got good results because the questions happened to be easy, because the clever kids happened to transfer to boarding schools, because, because... But I see now, maybe it was Allah's way of pushing me forward. Very slowly, because He knows you can't be sudden with these things. Alhamdulillah, Allah's plan is truly the best of plans. 

Reaching the end of this post. I'm afraid this hasn't been a very good one. I've rambled too much and you probably couldn't keep up. I promise the next post will be better and easier to follow. Maybe I'll write of my cooking adventures. Of microwave cakes and failed chocolate whipped cream. Look forward to it. Until then, study.