Mystery solved. Lesson learned.

I have this dream. It's a recurring dream. I can't remember when I started having this dream. Each time, the situation differs but the gist of it is basically the same. The dreams start out with me living life as usual. I am either going out with friends or attending a lecture or a program. Normal stuff. But then I get this feeling that something is not right. And all of a sudden it hits me - I'm not wearing the hijab. I am outside surrounded by non-mahrams and. I. Am. Not. In. Hijab. Already at this point, the dream has turned into a nightmare. In all my dreams, here is where I freeze. My friends might be talking. The lecturer might be speaking. But I am caught up in my inner monologue. What should I do? Should I run home? Would it be weird if I just run home? Is there even any point in covering up anymore now that they've seen me free-hair? Every time, the dream will end just like that. 

The most recent dream of this kind was just last week. I woke up with a fright. You know when you're going down the stairs and you think you've reached the floor but there's actually one more step so when you take the next step, you're expecting your foot to hit the ground but no it goes down and for a split second your heart stops and your body feels like it has jumped out of your skin because you weren't expecting that. You know that feeling? That was how I felt when I woke up. It took me a while to realise that it was just a dream. I was so glad.

Now I don't usually believe in dreams having meanings but it's Ramadhan so it can't be from shaitaan so what else am I left with? Why do I keep having this dream? When I kept thinking about it, it started to annoy me that the dreams never end with me doing anything. I'm always hesitating out of fear. Fear of what? Of people. And that's when I realised that that's not right. Is there even any point in covering up anymore now that they've seen me free-hair? Of course there is a point. Because I cover myself not for the sake of people. I cover myself for Allah.

I have realised what these dreams mean. Again and again they serve as a reminder. Whom am I worshipping? Everything that I do, every ibadah, is it really just for Allah? Am I truly ikhlas? Subhanallah. 

Of reflections and resolutions

I started off the new year by studying. There were no fireworks set off in the vicinity of Unikl BMI. Not even any noisy student parties. It was like it wasn't even the New Year. I faced a week and a half of exams after that. And then after that, one week was taken up by IELTS (which reminds me, I kind of wanted to do a little post on IELTS tips but I think that should wait until I get the results first. Jumping ahead of myself there, haha. We'll see). Time passed and before I knew it it was already the fourth week of January and I hadn't even got time to reflect on the past year and come up with 2014's resolutions. But better late than never.

I tried to describe 2013 in one word and the first word that came to mind was "change". But, thinking back when has there even been a year without change these past few years? 2011 brought along the biggest change. Life as I knew it would never be the same again. No more school. No more uniforms. In 2012 I experienced campus life for the first time. Got my first roommate (had four roommates actually - I moved a lot). And just when I thought I had settled in at PASUM -BAM- another change. I moved to Kedah. Finally, in 2013 I transitioned from a Foundation student, which is basically school without the uniforms, into an undergraduate degree student, which is something quite different indeed.

So, no, change is not an adequate word to represent 2013. Because everything, lately, has been about change. Even 2014 is going to usher in the second biggest change in my life (In Shaa Allah. Kya!! I'm so excited I have to keep reminding myself I still have to go through semester 2).

If I were to describe 2013 in one word it would be "growth". Simply because I think, more than in any other year, I have grown in 2013.

As for resolutions, my new year's resolution has always been the same. To become more organized. This year I have somehow managed to come into the possession of 3 calendars, 2 planners and a diary. Armed with this, how could one possibly fail to sort out their life and manage time better? The diary, though, is something I'm extremely hesitant about starting. Believe me, the purpose of keeping a diary and its benefits is not lost on me. I've heard about diaries where you write down happy things that happen and you can read through them at the end of the year and smile. But what if someone else reads it? That is probably my biggest fear. If I kept a diary I would constantly guard it and never sleep peacefully ever again.

Resolution number 2 is to learn a lot about Islam and become faquhu with that knowledge. What I understand of faquhu is you have to understand with your heart. Being a heavy thinker and somewhat lacking in the emotional department, this is extremely difficult for me. But try I will.

And resolution number 3 is be healthy. I want to live a long life.

Essay-writing rules dictate there must be a conclusion. I am really bad at concluding. How do I conclude this post? I know. I'll just do this until you can no longer read it. The end...