A Song You Can Find Anywhere

On the eve of my going into PASUM, I had planned to write up an elaborate farewell to all the things I will have to leave behind. Things like all-day Arashi-fests and late night Criminal Minds marathons and just stopping at any given moment to stare into space and think about nothing and everything at once. But something happened. I was watching Arashi's latest concert. Even before Nino started singing his solo song, when the music was just beginning and he was strumming along on his guitar, although I'd heard it tons of times before, and thought it was pretty and had meaningful and empowering lyrics, it clicked with me, such that I was on the verge of tears. How could he have known? It was like he'd read my heart. I got goosebumps (I admit that the air-conditioning was on but I refuse to believe it was because of the cold). So instead of the elaborate farewell I had originally planned, I'm going to share a song that's poetry in its own right, written and performed by Ninomiya Kazunari (translation by yarukizero).

Doko ni Demo Aru Uta
A Song You Can Find Anywhere

Nani ga sekai de nani ga machigae de
What is right? What is wrong?
Dakara "daijoubu" nante icchatte
So I said, "It's okay"
Sono kotoba ga jibun wo keshiteku kara
Those words were erasing myself
Sore ga ichiban kowai koto dakara
That was what I was most afraid of

Meippai sakebe "koko ni iru yo" tte akashi no you ni
Yell with all your might "I'm here!" like it's proof of yourself
Bokura wa sonna yowaku wa nai demo tsuyoku mo nai kara
We are not that weak, but we're not that strong either
Dakara naite iinda hazukashii koto janai
That's why it's okay to cry, there's nothing to be embarrassed about
Asu ga aru hito shika dekinai koto dakara asu e no aizu dakara
Only people who have a tomorrow can do it, because it's the signal of going to that tomorrow


Naite motomete koronde mata naite
Crying, searching, falling down, crying again
Kimi wa soushite otona ni natte
That's how you become an adult


Kizutsuku koto wo osorete
Afraid of getting hurt
Zutto naku no wo gaman shitetara warae nakunatteta
If I always try not to cry I won't be able to laugh


Kidzuitara hitori ni natte kowakatta
When I realised I was alone, I was scared
Sono toki sashidashite itte kureta anata no koe ga itai hodo yasashikute
That's when your voice came, so gentle it hurt
Naiteita sou shitara "anta ga nakimushi da" tte iu kara
If I cry then you'll say, "You're a crybaby"
"Anta mo da yo" nante itte mitara raku ni natteta waratteta
When I tried to say "So are you", I relaxed and laughed

Itsumo mitai ni fuzaketa koto iatte
Like always, messing around and arguing
Natsukashii nante iwanai de ima wo soko ni aru ima wo nigiri shimete
Don't say it's nostalgic right now, tightly hold on to the now that's here


Hora, iki wo sutte haite ikiteiru
Look, breathe in and out, you're living
Ippo ippo aruiteiru tada sore dake de ii
Walking one step at a time, that alone is enough


Daijoubu bokura wa zutto koko ni iru yo
It's alright, we'll always be here
Dakara subete sarake dashite mite
So try to let it all out
Saa, mune wo hatte ieba iinda
Come on, you should stand tall and say it
"Sore ga bokura da"
"That is us"

Zutto zutto zutto
Always, forever and ever

My laptop (a Macbook Pro, I'm so excited!) hasn't arrived yet so for the first week, I won't be able to see this. *gulp* I've never gone a week without Arashi!

When one door closes...

Warning: This post won't make much sense because I'm not in a clear state of mind right now. I don't even know why I'm writing this up but I guess I'm doing it out of belief that if I think about this, talk about it (to myself) and write about it long enough everything will somehow become clearer.

This morning I woke up. I prayed. I sat down to an episode of Criminal Minds. In the middle of the episode, my younger brother called. Something about "skoshi" (I found out later it was "sekoci"). I was forced to go to his school to deliver said forgotten "skoshi". I then took the opportunity to have breakfast at McDonald's and treated myself to a hotcake breakfast meal. I finished eating at around 9.30. To pass some time until the shops opened, I went to the library. It was there, as I was reading about the conceptions of Adam and Hawa, that I got the call. I have been in dilemma ever since.

Yesterday, the results of the YPM interview came out. I checked and I didn't get it. After the initial shock - failure of anything is reasonable cause for shock - was relief. Relief that I didn't have to make a choice. I didn't get the engineering scholarship. I'm not meant to be an engineer. But just now I received a call and was told that I did get it. I got the second offer.

The call came at exactly 10am, which leads me to believe that on their second list I might have been the first name, and how lucky is that? It also leads me to feel sympathetic because if they're on the second list, it must mean that out of the people who were offered first some rejected. But I know I shouldn't pity the agency because this is my life.

I also know I shouldn't choose this if all I want is to do something different from my peers, who, most of them, seem to be choosing biological science. I also shouldn't choose this if all I want is to learn Japanese and go to Japan. Because I can do that even if I choose medicine, although it will be in the far, far future.

I'm just scared. They say when one door closes, another opens. But that phrasing implies the closing of that door is something you didn't want to happen but was meant to be anyway and it's futile to try to stop it. What if you chose to close that door, of your own will, so it's not something that was designed? Will another door open then?

But then everything is designed.

Maybe that saying should be changed. When one door closes, you open another one.