Umm, hello.

It's been a while.

I don't know why but I haven't had the inspiration.

This is starting to get depressing.

OK, I'll talk about KMKN.

When I first arrived there it was musim pepatung. While they were noisy, they were concentrated only at the parking area so they didn't annoy me. They didn't last long.

Then came musim lalat. The flies pretty much conquer the dining hall. By now I've probably gained some muscle from continuously swatting flies while eating. Once, I was just about to empty my plate - mungkin dua tiga suap lagi baru habis - when -tup- a fly fell right in the middle of the plate. Dead. So, of course, I had to bin it all. Musim lalat is still going strong much to my disgust.

Most recently, it was musim kumbang. They were small, black, flying beetles my roommate and I dubbed "the creepy crawler" (we call all insects we don't know the name of creepy crawlers actually). During their peak, they were everywhere. They clung to the laundry we hung up outside. They covered the bathroom floor at night. The ceiling too. It was so bad one time, I had to sleep with a towel over my head - my blanket has holes in it, they wouldn't do - because they kept landing on my face. When they started dwindling in numbers I was so relieved. And now they're gone.

Lepas ni musim apa? I shudder to think of that.

Good thing is there are no mosquitoes. At least not in my room.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Monday, 9th july 2012, I closed a chapter of my life titled PASUM.

In the space of a little over a month, I've learnt many many things (like how hand-washed clothes look cleaner than machine-washed, atau kah cuma aku yang perasan?), made new discoveries (for example, I discovered the existence of Maggi cup Tom Yam yang ja~uh lebih sedap berbanding perisa Kari) and maybe, I left PASUM a slightly more mature, slightly better person than before. Insyaallah, the things I've learnt there I shall bring with me to Kolej MARA Kuala Nerang and Insyaallah diri ini akan bertambah matang, dewasa dan independent setelah setahun hidup berjauhan daripada keluarga.

Antara perkara di PASUM yang pasti akan dirindui ialah aiskrim seringgit yang ada rasa aiskrim McDonald's, benjo + cheese kegemaran di gerai burger yang memang selalu sangat dikunjungi, tau foo fah, vending machine dengan air tin berharga cuma RM1, Encik Ismail dengan nasihat-nasihatnya yang berbentuk sindiran, bilik mandi 'air terjun' sebab shower cap tiada dan tidak dilupakan roommateku, dua pupuku, Aliah.

Sedikit introduction: Aliah, dua pupuku, berkaca mata, ceria, sentiasa tersenyum, sentiasa kepanasan, sentiasa meng-check kipas "betul ke kipas ni nombor 5?", bila buat kerja dia akan buat bersungguh-sungguh hingga ke lewat malam/awal pagi, bila merehatkan minda dia akan ketawa seorang diri sampai terguling-guling atas katil "oh my goodness!". Roommate yang sangat best. Suka tiru tengok kerja dia yang dia tiru tengok daripada groupmate dia.

Aliah, minta maaf sebab pergi dan terima kasih sebab merelakan pemergian kita. Terima kasih sebab selalu gerakkan kita bila kita tertidur time lecture. Terima kasih sebab hari tu tolong ambilkan kunci yang terjatuh di celah katil dan dinding. Masa tu kita terkesima tak mampu buat apa-apa cuma tunggu Aliah pulang untuk tolong gerakkan katil. Cayalah Aliah, dapat gerakkan katil yang berat tu. Sedikit pesanan. Jangan study sampai lewat sangat nanti tak tahu esok pagi bangun pukul berapa. Kat kafeteria, jangan asyik meluru pergi kedai makan yang satu tu je, belilah daripada kedai-kedai lain juga. Variety is the spice of life, you know. Kalau boleh cari roommate baru, Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak dapat pun takpe. Nanti dapat pelajar siswa kot. Senior best apa, boleh minta tolong ajarkan apa-apa yang tak faham. Good luck dengan pelajaran. Belajar kat PASUM tough, kita tahu tapi jangan lupa cita-cita nak buat pharmacy dan berusahalah. Insyaallah, kita jumpa raya nanti.

Actually, I am writing up this post in Pulau Pinang. Kami sekeluarga, minus Farhan sebab dia ada ujian, sedang dalam perjalanan ke Kuala Nerang, Kedah. Rasanya sudah selesai isi segala borang (MARA, mengapa borangmu begitu tebal? UniKL, mengapa borangmu mengelirukan?). Beg-beg pun penuh belakang Innova. Rasa macam semua benda perlu bawa sebab lepas ni nak balik rumah ambil keperluan-keperluan lain dah susah. Raya tahun ni pun mungkin tak balik Bangi :( Terus naik bas ke Ipoh.

When I think about how I'll have to start over from scratch again in KMKN, nak mengeluh sebab lebih senang kalau stay dekat PASUM yang dah selesa. But what is life if it's not challenging, right? Bila pergi UK nanti lagi susah jadi perlu membiasakan diri dengan kesusahan mulai sekarang.

Akhir sekali, aku ingin melahirkan rasa syukur atas penerimaan tawaran MARA ini. I've always thought of it as something out of my reach, something that was impossible for me, but Alhamdulillah, walaupun bukan straight A+, keputusan SPM straight A rojak dapat juga merealisasikan angan-angan kosongku yang kini tidak lagi kosong. It's now within my grasp. Alhamdulillah.

Room Sweet Room

This week I moved. Masa nak tinggalkan bilik C832 tu berat sangat sebab bilik tu best juga lah. Menghadap matahari so waktu siang tak perlu pasang lampu. Pemandangan dari balkoni sangat cantik, boleh nampak tasik KK12, walaupun boleh nampak budak lelaki juga. Malam-malam buka pintu balkoni untuk ambil udara malam yang nyaman. But it's ok. Bilik C845 pun best juga. Dapat sebilik dengan sepupu dua pupuku yang sentiasa membuat aku nak tergelak besar dengan caranya dan loghatnya yang agak kePerakan. Haha. The room and roommate might be different but one thing never changes: my side of the room is always the messiest. And that's when I'm making an effort to keep it clean. Biasanya lebih kobang.

A daily routine is starting to form. Wake up at 5.45. Go back to sleep. Wake up at 6.00. Go back to sleep. Cousin wakes me up, "Bibah dah pukul 6.45." Reluctantly go and take wudhu then realise it's getting light out and quickly pray.

Satu malam aku buat soalan latihan vectors yang diberi oleh Dr Zahrah. Sepupu dua pupuku sedang sedap memeluk bantal peluknya. Aku pula menghirup teh, cawan yang kedua. Selesai latihan vectors, tengok-tengok dah pukul 2. Belum solat Isyak lagi! Aku pun memulakan perjalan ke bilik air di hujung bangunan. Setibanya di bilik air aku perasan ada orang tak tutup paip air rapat-rapat. Aku pun tutupkan. Kemudian kusedari semua paip air di situ tak ditutup rapat. Aku pun tutup semuanya. Tapi masih kedengaran bunyi air. Aku naik seram. Dengan lajunya aku mengambil air sembahyang dan berlari balik ke bilik.

Moral of the story: Kalau nak study sampai lewat malam pastikan dah solat Isyak awal-awal.

Jadual Semester 1

It's been 3 weeks since I got into PASUM and 2 since lectures began. Next week, we start following the real timetable. I don't know how I'll survive. Kalau jadual sementara yang tak penuh sebab cuma ada lecture pun tersengguk-sengguk dalam auditorium, jadual yang penuh dengan tutorial dan amali juga ni tak tahu lah. Masa nak cari nama untuk tengok kumpulan punyalah ramai orang. Datang petang sikit pun masih lagi ramai berkerumun di papan tanda tu. Lepas push push sampai depan, carilah nama dalam senarai Hayat 1 yang ada 1000 lebih nama sebab ramai budak-budak aliran fizikal tukar aliran masuk hayat. Jenuh mencari dari hujung list, rupa-rupanya nama ada dalam kumpulan pertama, iaitu N1 (hancur harapan untuk dapat F4 :( Kumpulan A hingga berapa entah, tapi termasuk F, untuk budak-budak fizikal. N-W budak hayat. X Y Z alam bina kot).

I think I might like this arrangement because I get a rest in the middle of the week. Jadual Rabu tak pack sangat.

Lepas baca senarai N1 berulang kali, hampa sebab tiada satu nama pun yang kenal. Muaz dalam N3. Sepupu dua pupuku dalam R2. It's ok. This is a chance to make new friends. But I'm nervous. Dengar cerita kumpulan-kumpulan awal ni dipenuhi anak-anak orang kaya, boleh dikatakan golongan elit. Selalunya mereka ni speaking. Entah kenapa bila nak bersembang, rasa pelik kalau bersembang dalam bahasa Inggeris, mesti nak BM juga, dan kalau orang tu nak juga BI diri ini akan tak banyak bercakap. (In England, I was known for being very quiet.) Mak suruh biasakan diri ber-speaking sebab bila kerja nanti kena speaking juga. So I'll do my best.

Jadual PALAM macam mana?

Minggu Haluansiswa PASUM 2012/2013

Untuk post kali ni nak tulis dalam BM lah.

Sebenarnya agak terlambat nak tulis post tentang Minggu Haluansiswa, atau MHS, PASUM sekarang tapi takpelah nak cerita juga. Ceritanya bermula pada suatu hari, dah lupa tarikh apa, keluarnya keputusan UPU yang diri ini pergi BSN sendiri beli pin kod unik untuk buat permohonan. Masa mohon tu memang UM diletak di kotak pertama sebab orang kata UM ni susah dapat so kalau tak dapat tak apa, ada pilihan lain di bawah. UIA pilihan kedua sebab teringin nak belajar bahasa Arab. Lepas tu baru UiTM. Tengok-tengok dapat UM. Dekat je dengan rumah.

Boleh dikatakan buat persediaan last minute juga. Laptop dua malam sebelum daftar baru tempah dan akan dihantar dalam masa tiga hari (Masa ayah belikan laptop, earphone dan external hard disk, rasa sayang sangat-sangat. Rasa macam kalau ucapkan terima kasih pun tak cukup. So apa yang dibuat? Diam-diam kuberazam untuk buat yang terbaik di PASUM supaya tak sia-sia duit yang Abi laburkan kepada anak sulung dia ni). Beg pula, malam sebelum daftar baru pack. Jadinya, tidur lambat dan bangun lambat pukul 8.30 pagi. Cepat-cepat mandi. Bila turun bawah nak pakai tudung tengok beg-beg semua dah diangkut dan semua orang dah sedia dalam kereta. Enjin pun dah start. Macam tak sabar je nak suruh orang pergi.

Tiba di Kolej Kediaman Raja Dr Nazrin Shah, atau nama pendek KK12, beratur panjang untuk daftar. Orang yang ada kawan nak jadi roommate cuma perlu daftar sama-sama. Yang tak ada kawan kena tunggu dulu. So sebab nak cepat daftar pair je lah dengan budak perempuan sorang ni. Namanya Aida dan mukanya macam ada iras-iras adik Diana. Lepas dapat kunci, letak barang dalam bilik, pergi makan Secret Recipe kat PPUM. Solat Zuhur dekat surau pejabat mak. Sepatutnya pukul 2.30 ada Taklimat Ibu Bapa dan Pelajar dekat Dewan Tunku Canselor (DTC) tapi sebab makan Secret Recipe pukul 4 baru sampai DTC. Time tu, dewan dah penuh. Pada masa tu, keluargaku membuat keputusan untuk meninggalkanku. Bila salam tak menangis pun. Rumah dekat je kan.

UM begitu jam hari Ahad tu. Dengar cerita, sebab sepupu ex-PALAM, process pendaftaran di UiTM sangat sistematik. Setiap pelajar diberi masa tertentu untuk daftar. Anyway, lepas ditinggalkan pukul 4 tu, duduk kat luar dewan cuba dapatkan internet tapi tak dapat. Bersembang dengan mak cik sorang ni sikit. Lepas habis Taklimat Ibu Bapa dan Pelajar, ibu bapa diminta untuk beredar dan bermulalah secara rasmi Minggu Haluansiswa. Yang kelakarnya, sepanjang MHS ketika aktiviti sedang berlangsung ada sahaja pengumuman dibuat oleh PP yang berbunyi "Pelajar bernama ................ sila ke luar dewan. Ibu/Bapa/Kakak/Abang anda hendak berjumpa atas hal penting".

Bagi kebanyakan pelajar, MHS menjadi kenangan manis tetapi bagiku yang tidak ber-geng, MHS dilalui dengan penuh tiada perasaan. Sejak dapat motor, diri ini sentiasa pergi jalan-jalan bersendirian so dah biasa. Tapi tetap ada sedikit iri hati bila tengok budak-budak yang dapat UM sekali dengan best friend (Pada masa tu akan rasa marah sangat dekat kawan-kawan SMK BBB. Kenapa daripada banyak-banyak murid aku seorang je yang masuk UM? Korang tak mohon ke? Bila fikirkan masa hadapan, dah bekerja, takkan kerja pun nak setempat dengan kawan-kawan. Lebih baik terima kenyataan sekarang daripada kemudian so sekarang dah tak marah dah :P). Satu perkara yang kupelajari sepanjang MHS ni adalah cara berlakon friendly. Walaupun lumrahnya diri ini pemalu, bila dalam dewan bersembang je dengan sesiapa yang duduk di sebelah. Dengan cara ini, ramai juga kawan sementara yang diperolehi. Tempoh persahabatan kami cumalah tempoh taklimat, haha.

Kami lebih kurang 1500 orang dikendali oleh 60 orang PP, Pembantu Pelajar, tetapi pada satu masa hanya 30 orang PP yang bertugas - or something like that, tapi yang tahu memang 30 PP je yang selalu ada. Para PP merupakan pelajar PASUM 2011/2012 dan kebanyakan mereka adalah 4 flaters.

Sebenarnya dah tak ingat sangat tentang perisian MHS tapi akan ku cuba.

Hari Isnin adalah hari pendaftaran PASUM.  Alhamdulillah, sebab jalan cepat dapat masuk dalam group yang mendaftar awal. Lepas tu duduk dalam auditorium tunggu budak-budak lain habis daftar. Auditoriumnya cantik gila gila. Kerusi warna pink, sangat selesa, macam kerusi dekat panggung wayang pun ada. Sebab nak kena tunggu lama, PP mainkan movie, Journey 2 The Mysterious Island. Bila PP tutup lampu dah mula rasa mengantuk dah. Plan nak tidur je, tak tengok movie. Tengok-tengok ada Josh Hutcherson berlakon dalam tu so tukar plan. Tengok tapi tanpa disedari terlelap juga. Bila bangun tengok movie tu dah jauh ke hadapan. Budak sebelah pun tanya, "Best tidur?" Masa tu blur baru bangun tidur, "Saya tidur ke tadi?"  Habis dia gelakkan.

Hari-hari kemudian dipenuhi dengan riadah pagi seawal 6.15, berkumpul lebih kurang pukul 8.00 untuk berjalan ke DTC, perjalanan yang mengambil masa lebih kurang 15 minit (Kebanyakan perempuan pakai ladies' shoes, ada yang pakai skin sock, ada yang tak pakai stokin langsung. Melecet. Kesian diorang. Nasib baik pakai sports shoes), pulang ke KK12 pada pukul 1 lebih (First day, tunggu lift. Hari kedua, dah bijak naik tangga walau sampai tingkat 8. Kalau naik lift kena tunggu at least 5 minit, itu pun depends on berapa cepat sampai kat lift tu. Kalau naik tangga akan sampai bilik dalam masa 3 minit. Hari ketiga, budak-budak lain pun dah bijak naik tangga juga), berkumpul semula pukul 2.45 untuk aktiviti seterusnya, break untuk solat Asar, riadah petang, solat Maghrib, aktiviti lagi sampai pukul 12 malam baru sampai bilik. Lepas tu nak mandi, kemas barang lagi, pukul 2 lebih juga baru tidur.

Hari Rabu perlu ambil English Placement Test yang akan menentukan pembahagian kelas tutorial nanti. Ada 63 soalan objektif yang perlu dijawab dalam masa 1 jam. Keluar dewan, budak-budak lain semua complain susah. Diri ini pula rasa biasa je sebab soalan-soalannya lebih kurang serupa dengan soalan objektif EST.

Hari Rabu juga keluar keputusan MARA. Parents check-kan, tak dapat. Terkilan. Rasa macam nak menangis sebab dah tolak biasiswa Jepun tu. Allah dah bagi rezeki tapi tamak pergi tolak. Lepas tu ayah telepon pihak YPM tanya kalau ada lagi tempat untuk program Jepun tu. Dia kata dia ada 40 kekosongan dan memang dia alu-alukan kedatangan walaupun masa dia offer hari tu tolak. Cuma kena daftar hari Isnin seterusnya. Lepas buat solat istikharah, kuputuskan untuk teruskan di PASUM.

Sebenarnya, salah satu sebab tak sedap hati sangat tolak biasiswa Jepun tu sebab betul-betul bertentangan dengan KK12 adalah Ambang Asuhan Jepun, tempat pelajar-pelajar yang mendapat tajaan JPA untuk buat engineering di Jepun belajar. Mula-mula memang tak boleh pandang bangunan tu. Bila lalu je pandang bawah. Bangunan tu menjadi reminder kepada peluang yang dilepaskan. Tapi, alhamdulillah, lepas istikharah hati dah tenang. Sekarang boleh jalan masuk bangunan tu lagi. Siap berselisih dengan lecturer Jepun. Tak tahu nak cakap apa (greet in English, Malay or Japanese??!) so senyum je.

Hari Khamis, alhamdulillah, hujan lebat pada waktu malam. Aktiviti dibatalkan. Lepas tu dengar cerita sebab lecturer marah, PP batalkan pembatalan aktiviti dan kami 1000 lebih pelajar berhimpit dalam Dewan Gemilang, dewan KK12, dan main beberapa permainan dan kami tidak boleh buat bising sebab pelajar siswa sedang menghadapi minggu peperiksaan. Kalau nak ketawa, PP suruh cakap "Ha" sekali sahaja. Kalau nak jawab soalan "Boleh ke tak?" atau "Faham atau tidak?", PP tidak mahu ada langau "bolehhhhhhhhh" atau "taaaaaakkkkkk" tetapi cuma sebut "ya" atau "tak". Best juga malam Khamis tu.

Malam Jumaat adalah malam persembahan. Pada hari Isnin, lebih kurang 100 orang pelajar dipilih untuk mengadakan persembahan. Sepanjang MHS, mereka tidak perlu menyertai aktiviti tetapi cuma menghadiri rehearsal. Pelbagai jenis persembahan ada. Ada nasyid, choir, dikir barat, tarian moden, tarian kontemporari dan sketsa. Sebenarnya, PP ada tanya kalau sesiapa nak volunteer untuk masuk dalam persembahan. Masa tu teringin juga nak masuk choir tapi tak ter-volunteer, haha, takpe lah. Semasa persembahan tu, kami semua dikehendaki menyanyikan lagu kebangsaan (lepas habis raja kita selamat bertakhta~ asyik expect lagu negeri Selangor akan dimainkan macam dekat sekolah dulu), lagu UM (yang tak berapa best sebab lagu lama) dan lagu kolej (rentaknya sangat susah untuk dihafal). Selepas itu, kami semua menari lagu tema MHS 2012/2013, iaitu Bunkface Through My Window. Best menari walaupun agak terkial-kial sebab tak berapa hafal step. Lagi satu tarian yang dipelajari di sana adalah tarian Xi Shua Shua.

Kemudian adalah sesi membuli PP disiplin. Sepanjang MHS budak-budak lelaki teruk dimarahi PP disiplin. Ratio pelajar perempuan kepada pelajar lelaki adalah 3:1 tetapi lelaki berjalan lebih lambat daripada perempuan. Mana tak kena marahnya. Lagi satu, sepanjang MHS apabila ada aktiviti di mana PP-PP lain menari di atas pentas untuk ajarkan tarian kepada pelajar semua, PP-PP disiplin cuma berdiri kaku memperhatikan. So pada malam itu, PP-PP disiplin disuruh untuk membuat barisan paling hadapan di atas pentas dan menarikan tarian Mambo No. 5. Best gila. Ada sorang PP tu garang sangat-sangat tapi bila menari, badannya keras dan dia kelihatan sungguh comel.

Malam Jumaat tu pukul 12 ada ibu bapa datang bawa anak dia pulang ke rumah. PASUM ni dengarnya, program asasi yang paling bebas. Habis kelas tiap-tiap hari pergi Midvalley, boleh. Yang duduk dekat nak balik rumah tiap-tiap hari pun boleh. (Sebenarnya minggu ni tidur dekat bilik sana cuma 2 malam. Selebihnya tidur di rumah. Rasa bersalah juga kepada roommate (dah tukar roommate. Sekarang ni bekas MRSM Taiping bernama Ayin) sebab asyik tinggalkan dia sorang-sorang. Nasib baik, kakak dia pun duduk dekat KK12 juga dan dia selalu tidur dengan kakak dia.) Sebab tak mahu menyusahkan parents, minta diorang ambil pagi Sabtu je. Lepas solat Subuh hari Sabtu, terus ibu bapaku bergerak ke PASUM. Masa tu belum bangun tidur pun lagi =_='

Tak tahulah kalau ini boleh dikira homesick tetapi sepanjang minggu MHS, bila fikir tentang parents rasa macam nak menangis. Bukan sebab rindu tapi sebab fikirkan segala jasa mereka yang membuatkan diriku sampai ke peringkat pre-u ini. Mereka pun tidak menyuruh untuk belajar itu atau ini sebaliknya membiarkanku untuk buat pilihan sendiri (Umi memang tak bias langsung tapi Abi ni complicated sikit. Dia kata dia suka kalau aku buat medic sebab dulu dia belajar medic tapi gagal biologi so tukar aliran. Tapi dia juga kata jadi doktor tu kerja susah dan bidang terhad, maksudnya dia belajar x, x sahajalah yang dia boleh jadi manakala kejuruteraan bidangnya luas). Sepanjang MHS kutahan air mata. Malam persembahan, kumpulan nasyid menyanyikan lagu "Ibuku", mengalir juga. Nasib baik dewan gelap. Takde siapa perasan. Pagi Sabtu tu buat muka biasa-biasa je masa parents jemput.

Di rumah baru dapat buka komputer. Selepas seminggu menghadap skrin handphone sahaja, skrin komputer di rumah terasa sungguh besar. Tengok-tengok Arashi ada keluarkan music video baru. Rindu sangat kepada mereka. Literally, masa tengok tu macam ni:

Habis minggu ni genaplah 2 minggu kuberada di PASUM dan seminggu sejak kuliah bermula. Tak nak panjangkan lagi post ni so tentang kuliah tu nanti-nanti lah cerita.

A Song You Can Find Anywhere

On the eve of my going into PASUM, I had planned to write up an elaborate farewell to all the things I will have to leave behind. Things like all-day Arashi-fests and late night Criminal Minds marathons and just stopping at any given moment to stare into space and think about nothing and everything at once. But something happened. I was watching Arashi's latest concert. Even before Nino started singing his solo song, when the music was just beginning and he was strumming along on his guitar, although I'd heard it tons of times before, and thought it was pretty and had meaningful and empowering lyrics, it clicked with me, such that I was on the verge of tears. How could he have known? It was like he'd read my heart. I got goosebumps (I admit that the air-conditioning was on but I refuse to believe it was because of the cold). So instead of the elaborate farewell I had originally planned, I'm going to share a song that's poetry in its own right, written and performed by Ninomiya Kazunari (translation by yarukizero).

Doko ni Demo Aru Uta
A Song You Can Find Anywhere

Nani ga sekai de nani ga machigae de
What is right? What is wrong?
Dakara "daijoubu" nante icchatte
So I said, "It's okay"
Sono kotoba ga jibun wo keshiteku kara
Those words were erasing myself
Sore ga ichiban kowai koto dakara
That was what I was most afraid of

Meippai sakebe "koko ni iru yo" tte akashi no you ni
Yell with all your might "I'm here!" like it's proof of yourself
Bokura wa sonna yowaku wa nai demo tsuyoku mo nai kara
We are not that weak, but we're not that strong either
Dakara naite iinda hazukashii koto janai
That's why it's okay to cry, there's nothing to be embarrassed about
Asu ga aru hito shika dekinai koto dakara asu e no aizu dakara
Only people who have a tomorrow can do it, because it's the signal of going to that tomorrow


Naite motomete koronde mata naite
Crying, searching, falling down, crying again
Kimi wa soushite otona ni natte
That's how you become an adult


Kizutsuku koto wo osorete
Afraid of getting hurt
Zutto naku no wo gaman shitetara warae nakunatteta
If I always try not to cry I won't be able to laugh


Kidzuitara hitori ni natte kowakatta
When I realised I was alone, I was scared
Sono toki sashidashite itte kureta anata no koe ga itai hodo yasashikute
That's when your voice came, so gentle it hurt
Naiteita sou shitara "anta ga nakimushi da" tte iu kara
If I cry then you'll say, "You're a crybaby"
"Anta mo da yo" nante itte mitara raku ni natteta waratteta
When I tried to say "So are you", I relaxed and laughed

Itsumo mitai ni fuzaketa koto iatte
Like always, messing around and arguing
Natsukashii nante iwanai de ima wo soko ni aru ima wo nigiri shimete
Don't say it's nostalgic right now, tightly hold on to the now that's here


Hora, iki wo sutte haite ikiteiru
Look, breathe in and out, you're living
Ippo ippo aruiteiru tada sore dake de ii
Walking one step at a time, that alone is enough


Daijoubu bokura wa zutto koko ni iru yo
It's alright, we'll always be here
Dakara subete sarake dashite mite
So try to let it all out
Saa, mune wo hatte ieba iinda
Come on, you should stand tall and say it
"Sore ga bokura da"
"That is us"

Zutto zutto zutto
Always, forever and ever

My laptop (a Macbook Pro, I'm so excited!) hasn't arrived yet so for the first week, I won't be able to see this. *gulp* I've never gone a week without Arashi!

When one door closes...

Warning: This post won't make much sense because I'm not in a clear state of mind right now. I don't even know why I'm writing this up but I guess I'm doing it out of belief that if I think about this, talk about it (to myself) and write about it long enough everything will somehow become clearer.

This morning I woke up. I prayed. I sat down to an episode of Criminal Minds. In the middle of the episode, my younger brother called. Something about "skoshi" (I found out later it was "sekoci"). I was forced to go to his school to deliver said forgotten "skoshi". I then took the opportunity to have breakfast at McDonald's and treated myself to a hotcake breakfast meal. I finished eating at around 9.30. To pass some time until the shops opened, I went to the library. It was there, as I was reading about the conceptions of Adam and Hawa, that I got the call. I have been in dilemma ever since.

Yesterday, the results of the YPM interview came out. I checked and I didn't get it. After the initial shock - failure of anything is reasonable cause for shock - was relief. Relief that I didn't have to make a choice. I didn't get the engineering scholarship. I'm not meant to be an engineer. But just now I received a call and was told that I did get it. I got the second offer.

The call came at exactly 10am, which leads me to believe that on their second list I might have been the first name, and how lucky is that? It also leads me to feel sympathetic because if they're on the second list, it must mean that out of the people who were offered first some rejected. But I know I shouldn't pity the agency because this is my life.

I also know I shouldn't choose this if all I want is to do something different from my peers, who, most of them, seem to be choosing biological science. I also shouldn't choose this if all I want is to learn Japanese and go to Japan. Because I can do that even if I choose medicine, although it will be in the far, far future.

I'm just scared. They say when one door closes, another opens. But that phrasing implies the closing of that door is something you didn't want to happen but was meant to be anyway and it's futile to try to stop it. What if you chose to close that door, of your own will, so it's not something that was designed? Will another door open then?

But then everything is designed.

Maybe that saying should be changed. When one door closes, you open another one.

Rezeki and Thomas Edison

Earlier this week, a letter arrived for me. I've been getting lots of letters as of late. Offer letters from colleges I have never even heard of (how did they even get my address?). But this letter was different because it actually had a stamp in the top right hand corner instead of the words "Bayaran Pos Jelas" or "Postage Paid". I teared open the envelope. Jemputan Sebagai Penerima Anugerah Hari Kecemerlangan SPM/STAM dan STPM Dun Bangi 2012. Kata orang, rezeki jangan ditolak. So while I was flattered and embarrassed and didn't really want to go, I called the number listed and told them I would be attending.

I did not expect to see people I knew there - I don't know, because they seem like they're too busy to go to these things? - so I was surprised to see quite a few familiar faces. Some Murni girls, Amanah girls, Ali and, if you remember, Fikri. Yang pindah lepas PMR tu. It was worth waking up early to go to PKNS and sitting through a motivational talk, which wasn't boring and actually fun and would have been more enjoyable were it not for the stomachache I was having (perut ni memang tak boleh makan awal pagi sangat) for RM100 and making friends with Visha who sat next to me, who laughed at my name and didn't know what STAM is.

But that is not the bulk of this entry. If this entry was to be likened to a full course meal, the two paragraphs above are only the appetizer. The main course is Thomas Edison. Pn. Sharifah, who gave the motivational talk, talked about him and I found him interesting.

Who doesn't know Thomas Edison, hereby referred to as Tom, the inventor of the light bulb, right? But did you know that he had a hearing difficulty that progressed until he was almost completely deaf? That he only learned to talk at the age of four? That some modern medical authorities speculate he might have had a learning disability?

Tom only went to school for three months. It was all his teacher could take. Tom asked too many questions and the teacher thought him self-centred. The teacher also said, due to his unusually large head, that there was obviously something wrong with Tom's brain. Luckily, Tom had an educated mother who quickly noticed her son's genius and decided to home-school him. His father, too, encouraged him to read the great classics and gave him ten cents for each one he completed. By age 11, Tom was reading works on practical chemistry and world history.

He was 32 when he invented the light bulb, although to be specific, he didn't invent the light bulb. The idea of the light bulb had existed for 50 years. What Tom did was improve upon it to create a practical light bulb, that could actually be used commercially. The time consuming part of this endeavour was finding just the right material for the filament that would work, and I will get to that in a bit, but it's also worth mentioning that to create practical electric lights, he also had to develop several other elements like a durable light bulb, the parallel circuit (hey, we learned that in school!), safety fuses and insulating materials, and light sockets with on-off switches.

Now on to that filament. Tom tried many many times to find the right material. Some say he tried 3000 times. Some 5000. Others even 10 000. There are so many different opinions that it's almost a myth but for sure it took a lot of attempts before he finally succeeded. How did he find the determination, the strength, to not give up after so many failures? Tom said, "Why would I feel like a failure? Why would I ever give up? I now know definitely over 9000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp."

I have no words to counter him. I can only salute him, take my hat off to him if I were wearing one. Thank you, Tom!

JADYPM Interview

I had set my phone to wake me up at 5.45am so I would have plenty of time to prepare but it was only when my dad came in at 6.30 that I woke up. Worried that I would be late, I'm supposed to be there by 8.00am, I got ready within 30 minutes. Good thing I had already prepared my bag and baju kurung last night. We arrived at Kolej Kemahiran Tinggi MARA Beranang, my dad and I, just on time. I was then ushered into the waiting hall. After everyone had arrived, we moved to another hall where we would take the written exam.

The papers were already put on the tables. There were three different sets of questions so no one could cheat. I got Set 2. The written exam is 20 objective questions: 5 English questions, 5 add maths questions, 5 chemistry and 5 physics. Alhamdulillah, the English, chemistry and physics questions were easy. But add maths was hard. Dah lah tak boleh guna kalkulator :( We were given 30 minutes to answer. Aku tawakkal.

Then was the interview. There were 9 panels and around 10 people were assigned to each. I got Panel 8. I came to Beranang fully prepared to wait a long time for my turn because my name is usually last on the list - huruf U kan. I don't know how they sorted us but I turned out being the second person to be interviewed by Panel 8. I had just started to sit down when I was told to go out of the hall, walk down the corridor and climb the stairs all the way to the top floor. Kenapa perlu buat dekat tingkat atas? Penat aku panjat. I feel sorry for the boy before me. He had no time to relax after the written exam, going straight to the interview. I waited outside. The top floor was an open space so there was no air conditioning. There wasn't even a fan but my hands were so cold.

I was worried that I wasn't wearing proper shoes. I don't have formal footwear. But we had to take our shoes off; the classrooms where the interviews were being held are carpeted. Everyone leaves their shoes outside the door. I noticed that the interviewers' shoes were all positioned neatly side by side facing away from the door, just like in Japan.

I heard the door swing open and I knew that it was my turn next. I recited a quick Al-Fatihah. My first interview ever. My hands were freezing. My lower jaw was quivering. My mouth was dry. I was hungry. And I just want to go home already.

My panel were two men; one in a blazer and the other in a white shirt. I never asked for their names, neither did they introduce themselves so I only know of them as Mr Blazer and Sensei. Mr Blazer spoke a lot. He asked me why I want to do electrical engineering. I had prepared for this question so I answered that it is a field that is evolving right now and will continue to increase in demand in the next 10 years, thus, ensuring a job for me when I finish studying. He then asked me what I would do if they offered me mechanical engineering. Would I accept? So I said that I am interested in robotics and mechanical engineering is used in robotics so I would accept. Hearing me mention robotics, Sensei said something but he spoke so quietly that I didn't hear it but it didn't seem to be important so I pretended I heard him and nodded.

Then Mr Blazer asked me if I had applied with any other agencies. I said MARA. Then he asked me what course I applied for with MARA. I knew I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't lie so I truthfully answered that I applied for Medicine. I knew I should have lied. I should have just lied. He came onto me with very tough questions then. We want only the very best and most focused students for this program, he said. We don't want students who think they want to be a doctor. Decide right now if you want to be a doctor or an engineer. If we offer you this scholarship and MARA also offers you to do medicine, which would you choose?

At that time, while I answered I was thinking that I wasn't going to get this scholarship. They had ruled me out the moment I mentioned medicine for sure.

Sensei then asked me about my co-curricular activities. I didn't have very much to say on that topic. Then Sensei asked me two physics questions, one about Fleming's left-hand rule and the other on Ohm's Law. He also asked if I knew about the Look East Policy but I don't. Then Mr Blazer warned me that this program is very tough. That I will have to work very hard under a lot of stress. He asked if I would be able to handle it. Itu soalan yang aku rasa agak bodoh. Takkan nak jawab tak boleh. I said that I am confident. He then asked if I had learned Japanese before. I said that not formally, no, but I did try to teach myself Japanese and I can read hiragana and katakana but kanji is too difficult. I believe here my appeal went up :)

Mr Blazer then asked me about my school. He thought I went to Jalan 4. Then he asked how many other students from SMK BBB applied for this scholarship. I'm the only one, right? Then he said, so we can choose you to be the representative of your school in this program. I froze. What? He quickly said that nothing's for definite. They still have to look at my written exam results and talk it over. I asked him when the results would be released. He didn't give me an exact date but he said that selected students will begin studying in the middle of May. That's next month so I'm guessing it will be very soon after this. Maybe a week or two.

And just like that the interview ended. It was very quick. I didn't look at the watch before I went in but I don't think it was even 30 minutes.

This Japanese Associate Degree program is a full scholarship unlike MARA's pinjaman boleh ubah. I'm trying to put myself in their perspectives to evaluate my own potential but it's difficult. I had ups and downs in that interview. The Medicine thing. They're going to think that I'm going to reject their offer if I get offered by MARA. The Japanese thing. I made it obvious that I'm very interested in learning the language. The school representative thing. Was he joking?

I can only be hopeful. The program consists of 3 years doing matriculation and Diploma in Malaysia and 2 years doing a Degree in Japan. Two years in Japan. I might be able to go to an Arashi concert~

Is This The Way To Amarillo?

For me, there are two types of songs. There are songs that I hear on the radio and like the sound of every now and then. These songs I will quickly download and after listening to them a number of times I will just as quickly tire of them. They will randomly play on my iPod and I will choose to either turn up the volume or press next according to my mood. Then there are songs that, no matter what mood I'm in, the moment I register its familiar melody a smile will spread across my face and it will feel as if I'm being swept back in time. Back to a memory with which that song is strongly associated. One such song is Is This The Way To Amarillo.

I don't know if it was a particular tradition of the primary school I went to or something done in every other primary school in the country, but upon their graduation, the Year 6s of Rendell Primary School would put on a performance for the entire school. I was a Year 5, sitting cross-legged on the floor of the hall. The lights dimmed and the music came on. I vaguely remember spotlights directed to the back entrance. Then the Year 6s entered one by one, walking, skipping, running to the front of the hall, clapping along to the music, throwing their hats in the air. It was awesome. I couldn't wait to be a Year 6 the next year and do something like that. (Foolishly, I thought we would sing the same song as our seniors, but that is a story for another post.)

The other day when I was in a reminiscing mood, I recalled this memory and I knew there was a song that came with it but I couldn't, for the life of me, remember the song. I was kept up all night trying to figure it out. Then I had the clever idea (I should have thought of it sooner, really) to ask my friends and -bingo!- one of them remembers!

It is a terribly catchy song. Already I've lost count of how many times I've hit replay. It's an old song, first released in the UK in 1971 and then re-released in 2005 when it was sang for the year's Comic Relief. As far as I can remember, Comic Relief is a charity. Once a year on Red Nose Day, people would be allowed to do silly things for the purpose of raising funds. Silly things like wearing a red nose, dying your hair red, not speaking for a whole day (in which case you would be given a small whiteboard and a marker pen for the purpose of communication), being handcuffed to a friend for a whole day, sometimes teachers would even agree to let kids throw wet sponges at them. The most I ever did was wear red to school.

It was a really popular song in 2005 so it makes sense that the Year 6s that year sang it for their graduation. I can't say the same for the song I sang for my graduation though.

Sha la la~

Sha la la~

Sha la la~

When the day is dawning

On a Texas Sunday morning

How I long to be there

With Marie who's waiting for me there

Every lonely city

Where I hang my hat

Ain't as half as pretty

As where my baby's at

Chorus

Is this the way to Amarillo?
Every night I've been hugging my pillow
Dreaming dreams of Amarillo
And sweet Marie who waits for me

Show me the way to Amarillo
I've been weeping like a willow
Crying over Amarillo
And sweet Marie who waits for me

Sha la la~
Sha la la~
Sha la la~
And Marie who waits for me

There's a church bell ringing

Hear the song of joy that it's singing

For the sweet Maria

And the guy who's coming to see her

Just beyond the highway

There's an open plain

And it keeps me going

Through the wind and rain

Repeat chorus

Sha la la~

Sha la la~

Sha la la~

This way? That way?

He taps the ballpoint pen on the application form repeatedly. The room is silent and I am scared. Finally, he meets my eyes and says, "So, Ummu Habibah, why do you want to study in Japan?"

The question is simple but I know that it's more than that. What he is really asking me to do is prove my worth, prove that I deserve this scholarship. I take a breath and with all the confidence and sincerity that I can muster I say, "Because I love Arashi."



No. No. Of course, I wouldn't answer like that. "Because I love Arashi" is as bad a response as Mija's "Sebab mak saya suruh" and would get me rejected in no time.

I have an interview next week for a scholarship to study electrical engineering in Japan. Truth is, I would much rather do medicine. In fact, just days ago I was certain I was going to be a doctor and was already daydreaming about life as a doctor. Wearing a clean white coat, a stethoscope around my neck, nurses complaining that they can't read my handwriting.

Now I am truly at the crossroad of my life. I have always been a doctor at heart, but now this new path has opened up and maybe that's where I'm supposed to go? I don't know. My internal compass is pretty messed up right now.

An opportunity like this probably only comes once in a lifetime so this is my only chance. I'm going to go to that interview with the full intention of making it to the selected few. It's going to be hard. I have to study up on current issues both in Malaysia and Japan. I have to prepare an essay explaining why I want to do electrical engineering. During the interview, I must not stammer, stutter or show nervousness in any form whatsoever. This is going to be. So. Hard. Urgh.

I won't ask you to pray for me but I know you will anyway, right? :P

Bottling up happy feelings is detrimental to health

I haven't talked Arashi in a long time. I haven't been able to because my sole Arashi friend has been inaccessible for a long time now. And I can only go so long without telling someone of all these happy feelings. Happy feelings aren't meant to be bottled up. They're meant to be shared with the world. So today, I'm going to talk Arashi. Please indulge me.

But if I start gushing about how good Ohno looks now that he's dyed his hair black again, how good he looks in black hair and geeky glasses, I'm sure I'm going to scare you away. So I'll start with something less crazy fangirl-y. I'll start from the very beginning. This is how I fell in love with Arashi.

I was, as many Arashi fans were, what we fans call Jun-baited (Jun is known for pulling in fans through his roles in various dramas. They watch the drama. They like him. They end up liking Arashi too). Some were baited in by the silent, brooding Sawada Shin from Gokusen. Some by the cute pet Momo from Kimi wa Petto. Others still, were baited by the at-first-utterly-hateful-but-later-on-oh-so-baka-and-adorable Domyouji from Hana Yori Dango (HanaDan. There was a Korean remake titled Boys Over Flowers). I fall in the third category.

From the left: Sawada Shin, Momo and Domyouji.

After I finished watching HanaDan, I was so completely taken with Domyouji that I did a bit of research with the help of Google on the actor. I think this was sometime late 2007 so I must have been 13. A 13-year old girl who had never shown any interest in the opposite sex unless he was an anime character, and even then it was never like that because it's an anime character. Eventually, I found out that Domyouji was played by an actor named Matsumoto Jun, affectionately called Matsujun (although I call him just Jun because Matsujun has too many syllables), and that Matsujun is in a group and that this group called Arashi was actually the ones who sang HanaDan's opening song. He acts and he sings! He's perfect!

So I went on YouTube immediately to check out this "Arashi" and I thought they were all ugly except for Jun. YouTube used to be full of Arashi videos (most of them, sadly, are no longer available) and I spent hours watching video after video, all the time focused on Jun like the others didn't even exist. Slowly though, I began learning their names. Sho. Aiba. Nino. And Ohno. Then I began noticing things about them. Like how Sho's muscles are ridiculously hard it's ridiculous. How Aiba laughs in an oddly infectious "ehehehe" way (I don't know how else to describe it. It's a bizarre sound. Like he's trying to laugh and breath in at the same time). How Nino is a brat. And how Ohno......umm......I don't remember if I had any impressions of him.

Anyway, one day I was watching an Arashi video on YouTube and I was laughing so much. I don't even remember what it was but it was hilarious and I don't think I had ever laughed that much before. It was then, as I wiped a tear from my eye, that I realised that I love these guys. Probably, from the moment I Googled Matsumoto Jun it was inevitable that it would eventually come to this.

Alas, none of my friends were into boybands, much less Japanese boybands, so I was forced to keep my newfound love a secret. And then we started packing because we were moving back to Malaysia. In the midst of the busy preparation and the tiring journey, where I was both excited and nervous, and then the awkwardness of trying to fit in and the struggle of relearning a language I had almost forgotten, Arashi kind of got pushed aside to a far, far corner of my brain. It wasn't until nearly 2 years later that I remembered again.

It was when Diana casually brought up Super Junior in a conversation. I had no idea of this Super Junior but upon hearing that they are a Korean group, my mind instantly made the connection to Arashi. I went home and I went online and I rediscovered Arashi and I honestly don't know how I lived for almost 2 years without them. They were just as entertaining and just as adorable as they were when I first found them.

So although Super Junior are not Japanese I figured, them also being a singing and dancing group, that it was close enough and therefore grounds enough for me to bring up Arashi. Finally, I could tell someone! Unfortunately, no one was interested in J-pop and I was mostly laughed at.

There are no words to describe just how sad I was to find out I was a lone fangirl in my class.

But 2009 turned out to be a great year to fall back into Arashi fandom because it was their 10th anniversary. They had tons of activities to celebrate the occasion so there was never a shortage of things to fangirl about. I went to Singapore that year and in the Kinokuniya store there ALL the magazines had Arashi on the front cover. For the first time, my family saw my true nature; jumping in the store, begging to buy a magazine even though it was all in Japanese and I couldn't hope to understand a thing except that Arashi is awesome.

Wow, almost 900 words and this is just how I came to know Arashi. It would take thousands more words to explain why I like them because there are so many reasons. Besides, Arashi can't really be explained in words. They have to be experienced.

From the left: Jun, Nino, Aiba, Sho and Ohno.

"But when I looked at my watch it was still 10am," says Nino and everyone bursts into laughter.

So here I am, to this day, always and forever a fan of Arashi.

And here I lament the lack of Arashi videos on YouTube to put at the end of this post. A music video will have to do, although they don't nearly convey even a portion of what makes Arashi so incredible. Mija, aku harap kau cam lagu ni. :) Korang tak kisah kan walaupun tak faham? Dengar lagu Korea pun sama. ^^

How to wake my brothers up and get them ready for school

1. Turn the fan off.

Slowly, the room will get warmer.

2. Tell them to wake up.

No reaction.

3. Tell them to wake up. Jump on the bed lightly if needed.

They move slightly but their eyes are still closed.

4. Again, tell them to wake up.

Farhan sits up and gets angry because it's hot (see step no. 1) but his eyes are still closed.

5. Tell them to go shower.

Farhan is still angry because it's hot. Farris rolls over.

6. Tell them to go shower. Shake them slightly if needed.

Farris sits up. Farhan is still angry.

7. Again, tell them to go shower.

They stand up and walk over to their respective bathrooms.

8. Get their towels and drop them on the floor by the doors of their respective bathrooms. Avoid looking at them as they begin to undress.

9. Relax while they shower.

10. Once in a while, remind Farhan to not space out in the bathroom.

They finish showering and get dressed in their school uniforms.

11. Tell them to eat breakfast.

Farhan walks around slowly gathering his things.

12. Tell them to eat breakfast.

Farris turns on the television. Farhan is still walking slowly here and there.

13. Again, tell them to eat breakfast.

Farhan finally heads to the kitchen, slowly. Farris is watching television.

14. Ask Farris to eat breakfast like his brother.

Farris ignores me.

15. Again, ask Farris to eat breakfast.

Farris gets angry.

16. Give up asking Farris to eat breakfast.

Farhan finishes his breakfast. He begins counting his money. Maksu looks like she's starting to leave.

17. Tell Farhan to sort out his schoolbag.

Farhan is still engrossed in counting his money. Farris never sorts out his bag. I wonder how he manages it... Maksu is already out the door. Farris follows.

18. Urge Farhan to hurry up.

Slowly, Farhan begins putting books in his bag. He then walks around, slowly, looking for his belt, socks and songkok. Maksu has started the car.

19. If Farhan can't find his belt or songkok, look for it. Be glad if they're not lost.

Maksu is waiting in the car. Farhan puts on his shoes, barefooted, sloppily and gets into the car.

20. Lock the gates. Watch TV/Arashi. Eat. Relax.

Third, the one with the hairy chest

I seem to have an affinity for the number 3.

The other day as my dad was giving me one of his lectures, something he's been doing frequently ever since I finished SPM, imparting words of wisdom on the hardships of life I will surely encounter from here on, he mentioned this almost as an afterthought. "I've noticed, Bibah, wherever you are, whatever school you go to, you are always in third place. Never second or first place. Do you like that number or something?" he said. I was left speechless for a few seconds because I know. I've noticed it too.

At the first school I attended, I managed to rank third in my school year in the final exams for three consecutive years. The top student, a friend of mine who was tall and wore glasses, also came in first for three consecutive years. The number two student, however, was never the same person in all those three years. At least, not as I remember it. Then we moved to England where I enrolled at a nearby primary school. There are no rankings in English schools. The same in the high school I moved up to. No rankings. Then we came back and I went to the SMK in town furthest from my house, where, in my last two years there, I placed third.

I'm sorry, Umi, Abi, that I never made you proud by being the top student. I'm also sorry to say that placing first had never been my goal. My goal was always to not embarrass myself. And then when I realised I shouldn't care what other people think of me, it became to surpass myself. To continually improve on my current self.

Thinking it through though, there are some perks to placing third. I never specifically aimed for third place but it turned out to be the perfect place for me. Knowing that there are people doing better than me gives me the motivation to work harder. If they can do it then so can I. Also, although number 3 gets some spotlight, the top two obviously steal the show. Which is a great thing because it lets the awkward, clumsy number 3 relax most of the time. Oh I don't think I could handle all the attention directed towards the top student. Not to mention the pressure of maintaining that first place.

Forgive me, dear parents. Your daughter is not ambitious enough.

But all throughout my learning life I shall hold on to these words:

I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else.

I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be.

P.S. I'll explain the title because I'm sure you laughed when you read it and can see no relevance to the post now that you've read through it. In England, there was a funny children's rhyme the kids used to recite almost like a song. Zero, the hero. First, the worst. Second, the best. Third, the one with the hairy chest... And it goes on but that's all I can remember.

Apa itu matang?

Lately, I've been questioning my maturity. Being almost 18 years of age, there is no doubt I have reached physical maturity. I will never grow any taller than this and I've accepted that, begrudgingly. The question is my mind. What is the definition of matang anyway? If I had to specify when I think I became matang of mind, I would say it was probably sometime before PMR or before SPM. I become extremely focused when the exams near. But that's not matang, is it - that's just being studious at the last minute, which isn't very matang at all.

When I spoke of this with my mum, she said she has her own opinion of when I reached mental maturity. Surprisingly, it was when I was 9.

When my family packed and moved to England, my mum was nearing the final stages of her pregnancy. She was as big as a house. To add to that, we had brought from Malaysia practically everything in our house. Not only clothes but also plates and bowls, spoons and forks, even a rice cooker. Our luggage filled up two trolleys. My dad is strong but he only has so many hands. My mum was having a hard time as it was, carrying her own "luggage". My little brother might as well have been part of the luggage for all the help he was, taking a ride on the trolley. So I, 9 years old, helped push the trolley laden with our things.

The image of a little girl pushing a trolley twice her size, probably weighing more than twice her weight, must have left an impression on my mum because it wasn't the first time she has told that story, but I have no recollection of it whatsoever.

I remember our relatives seeing us off at KLIA, my grandma even shedding a tear. I remember saying goodbye to Malaysia as the plane took off and my parents thought I was going to cry. I don't quite remember the long flight. I think it was spent playing games and watching something on the small screen every passenger had. But I can still relive the joy of watching my breath fog up in front of me the moment we stepped out of the doors of Heathrow Airport. I was fascinated. We all were. And then we realised that it was unbearably freezing cold and we crouched behind a wall of trolleys hoping it would shield us from the icy wind.

I don't remember taking hold of the trolley and pushing it because there was no one else who could do it. I don't think it was something I did because I was matang. Most probably I was just excited I got to push a trolley. I'm still, only a tiny bit, excited when I get to push a trolley now. Imagine how I was when I was 9.

I wouldn't say I'm matang now. But I'm definitely not immature either. My image of a matang person is someone who is quiet and keeps things to themselves. By that I don't mean someone who keeps secrets, rather someone who doesn't tell everyone everything, only the important things. Judging from the intense urge I get to tell someone whenever anything mildly interesting happens, I am far from my ideal of matang.

Now answer honestly. Apa itu matang?

Why Nino is a sweet, sweet man

Thank you, Mija, for giving me a chance to speak about Arashi! It goes like this:

Once (I can't remember when or where), Arashi were asked about the chocolates they had received on Valentine's Day. I don't remember all of their replies but I remember Jun saying he received chocolates from his entire class. As expected, he's popular. In contrast, Nino said he received only one chocolate. It wasn't given to him directly but was placed on the front door at his house. Nino said that the girl must have been nervous and dropped the box or something because when he opened it the chocolate was broken. It was honmei-choko. He could tell it was handmade because it was extremely salty. She must have confused sugar with salt. Even so, he ate it all. She made it especially for him after all.

Sweet, no? ♥ I saw Nino in a different light after that. He might seem nonchalant, like he doesn't care about things like this, but he knows to respect and appreciate it when a girl likes him seriously enough to make honmei-choko for him. This was before Arashi was formed, by the way. I'm sure now he has a lot of fans that would readily make chocolate for him (including me although I can't guarantee it will turn out edible. Knowing he will eat it all regardless worries me even more. What if my chocolate turns out so bad it gives him food poisoning? No, that would never happen). I wonder if that girl is a fan of Nino now.

Really, thanks, Mija! Sorry lambat reply komen kau. Kenapa blogger ni tak hantar email notification bila ada orang komen? Takkan dia expect aku check blog tiap-tiap hari.

In which I was a boy, probably

The other night I had a dream. In my dream, I think I was a boy.

I never saw myself in the mirror so I don't know if I really turned into Habib but the dream leads me to believe so. The dream was like this: I'd received chocolates from Fatin and Raja Syazwani on Valentine's Day so I was shopping for their White Day presents. How appropriate for me to have this dream on the night of March 14. I'll explain, but to explain White Day I have to explain Valentine's Day first.

Valentine's Day in Japan
During the 1960s, numerous campaigns by Japanese confectionery companies made Valentine's Day popular in Japan. A translation error during the initial campaigns, however, led Japan to believe that only women give chocolates to men. They couldn't correct this error so to this day, Valentine's Day in Japan is a day where only girls give. But no matter, the Japanese confectionery companies still achieved their objective; to make money. Half of their annual sales are from the week before Valentine's Day because the custom is to give chocolates. Gifts such as flowers, greeting cards, stuffed toys and romantic dinner dates are uncommon.

There are different types of chocolates depending on whom they're given to.

Giri-choko （義理チョコ）
Giri means obligatory so giri-choko are chocolates that girls give because they have to. Recipients are usually bosses and co-workers. The chocolates are cheap. Nothing special because they have no special feelings towards them.

Cho giri-choko （著義理チョコ）
Ultra obligatory chocolate. These are super cheap chocolates given to someone that girls really hate and would rather not give but must because they have to. For example, an unpopular co-worker.

Honmei-choko （本命チョコ）
Favourite chocolate. These are chocolates girls give to the boy they like. They are expensive chocolates but it's also common for girls to give handmade chocolates and these are chocolates that boys really want to get. They're special because the girls poured their heart into making them (this reminds me of a story Nino once told but I already said no Arashi for this blog...).

Tomo-choko （友チョコ）
Friend chocolate. A recent trend where girls give chocolates to their female friends (because the girls want chocolates too).

Gyaku-choko （逆チョコ）
Reverse chocolate. Where boys give chocolates instead (because girls feel stressed due the fact that they have to give chocolates to everyone they know). There's also the term chokomen （チョコメン）used to refer to men who give chocolates on Valentine's Day.

White Day
Seeing the success of chocolate companies, a marshmallow company tried to get the men to reply by giving marshmallows to the girls on March 14. This attempt failed but the idea of a "reply day" was widely accepted. For the men who received chocolates on Valentine's Day, a day was made one month later, March 14, when they are expected to return the favour: White Day. The official website of White Day (yes, it has a website apparently) claims the colour white was chosen because it is the colour of purity, evoking "pure, sweet teen love", and because it's also the colour of sugar (but I think it could also be because marshmallows are typically white). As the name suggests, white chocolates are usually given but clothes and other things are also common.

Black Day
I think the custom of only girls giving chocolates and the types of chocolates are only seen in Japan (at least, I think it's only taken so seriously in Japan because I've read somewhere that Valentine's Day in Korea is no big deal, which is odd seeing how romantic Koreans are) but it's worth mentioning that Korea takes White Day a step further by introducing Black Day. A day when singles wear black and eat jajangmyeon, noodles with black bean sauce.

In conclusion, that was a weird dream.

The Birth of the Blog

For some reason, I feel like announcing the fact that this will be my first post on blogger. A first post is something to be celebrated after all. It's the beginning of something. Possibly, hopefully, something worthwhile and meaningful.

Now this first post won't be just an announcement; it will have actual content too.

Why have I created this blog?
This is a question even to me because the way it went was, I couldn't get to sleep one night and created this blog on a whim. After I made this blog, it was left empty for a good month or so because I didn't know what to do with it. Why did I sign up on blogger when I already have a livejournal account?! After thinking it through, I decided that, well, I made livejournal to be able to join the online Arashi community there so livejournal will be for everything Arashi and blogger will be for everything else. Yes, I think that will be a nice arrangement.

What is this blog?
As I've mentioned above, this blog will be for everything else. Interesting things I learnt, random thoughts that I think of, just really anything that's not Arashi that I think is interesting enough that it deserves a post. That said, I might write an introduction to Arashi or something like that to explain that there are reasons why I love them so much. I'm not crazy, deluded, fanatic or anything like that. Really.

Who are the intended audience?
I said above that I made this blog on a whim but I might have been influenced by my friends who have blogs too. So this blog is mainly for them. Dear friends, though since graduation we haven't been able to see much of each other, and the opportunities to meet up will surely decrease from here on, this marvel called internet is allowing us to keep in touch. Let's not forget each other.

I've always written but I was always embarrassed to have them read. But my dad said to me once that you write to be read. With these words of wisdom, I publish my first post on this new blog.