This way? That way?

He taps the ballpoint pen on the application form repeatedly. The room is silent and I am scared. Finally, he meets my eyes and says, "So, Ummu Habibah, why do you want to study in Japan?"

The question is simple but I know that it's more than that. What he is really asking me to do is prove my worth, prove that I deserve this scholarship. I take a breath and with all the confidence and sincerity that I can muster I say, "Because I love Arashi."



No. No. Of course, I wouldn't answer like that. "Because I love Arashi" is as bad a response as Mija's "Sebab mak saya suruh" and would get me rejected in no time.

I have an interview next week for a scholarship to study electrical engineering in Japan. Truth is, I would much rather do medicine. In fact, just days ago I was certain I was going to be a doctor and was already daydreaming about life as a doctor. Wearing a clean white coat, a stethoscope around my neck, nurses complaining that they can't read my handwriting.

Now I am truly at the crossroad of my life. I have always been a doctor at heart, but now this new path has opened up and maybe that's where I'm supposed to go? I don't know. My internal compass is pretty messed up right now.

An opportunity like this probably only comes once in a lifetime so this is my only chance. I'm going to go to that interview with the full intention of making it to the selected few. It's going to be hard. I have to study up on current issues both in Malaysia and Japan. I have to prepare an essay explaining why I want to do electrical engineering. During the interview, I must not stammer, stutter or show nervousness in any form whatsoever. This is going to be. So. Hard. Urgh.

I won't ask you to pray for me but I know you will anyway, right? :P