When one door closes...

Warning: This post won't make much sense because I'm not in a clear state of mind right now. I don't even know why I'm writing this up but I guess I'm doing it out of belief that if I think about this, talk about it (to myself) and write about it long enough everything will somehow become clearer.

This morning I woke up. I prayed. I sat down to an episode of Criminal Minds. In the middle of the episode, my younger brother called. Something about "skoshi" (I found out later it was "sekoci"). I was forced to go to his school to deliver said forgotten "skoshi". I then took the opportunity to have breakfast at McDonald's and treated myself to a hotcake breakfast meal. I finished eating at around 9.30. To pass some time until the shops opened, I went to the library. It was there, as I was reading about the conceptions of Adam and Hawa, that I got the call. I have been in dilemma ever since.

Yesterday, the results of the YPM interview came out. I checked and I didn't get it. After the initial shock - failure of anything is reasonable cause for shock - was relief. Relief that I didn't have to make a choice. I didn't get the engineering scholarship. I'm not meant to be an engineer. But just now I received a call and was told that I did get it. I got the second offer.

The call came at exactly 10am, which leads me to believe that on their second list I might have been the first name, and how lucky is that? It also leads me to feel sympathetic because if they're on the second list, it must mean that out of the people who were offered first some rejected. But I know I shouldn't pity the agency because this is my life.

I also know I shouldn't choose this if all I want is to do something different from my peers, who, most of them, seem to be choosing biological science. I also shouldn't choose this if all I want is to learn Japanese and go to Japan. Because I can do that even if I choose medicine, although it will be in the far, far future.

I'm just scared. They say when one door closes, another opens. But that phrasing implies the closing of that door is something you didn't want to happen but was meant to be anyway and it's futile to try to stop it. What if you chose to close that door, of your own will, so it's not something that was designed? Will another door open then?

But then everything is designed.

Maybe that saying should be changed. When one door closes, you open another one.