Mystery solved. Lesson learned.

I have this dream. It's a recurring dream. I can't remember when I started having this dream. Each time, the situation differs but the gist of it is basically the same. The dreams start out with me living life as usual. I am either going out with friends or attending a lecture or a program. Normal stuff. But then I get this feeling that something is not right. And all of a sudden it hits me - I'm not wearing the hijab. I am outside surrounded by non-mahrams and. I. Am. Not. In. Hijab. Already at this point, the dream has turned into a nightmare. In all my dreams, here is where I freeze. My friends might be talking. The lecturer might be speaking. But I am caught up in my inner monologue. What should I do? Should I run home? Would it be weird if I just run home? Is there even any point in covering up anymore now that they've seen me free-hair? Every time, the dream will end just like that. 

The most recent dream of this kind was just last week. I woke up with a fright. You know when you're going down the stairs and you think you've reached the floor but there's actually one more step so when you take the next step, you're expecting your foot to hit the ground but no it goes down and for a split second your heart stops and your body feels like it has jumped out of your skin because you weren't expecting that. You know that feeling? That was how I felt when I woke up. It took me a while to realise that it was just a dream. I was so glad.

Now I don't usually believe in dreams having meanings but it's Ramadhan so it can't be from shaitaan so what else am I left with? Why do I keep having this dream? When I kept thinking about it, it started to annoy me that the dreams never end with me doing anything. I'm always hesitating out of fear. Fear of what? Of people. And that's when I realised that that's not right. Is there even any point in covering up anymore now that they've seen me free-hair? Of course there is a point. Because I cover myself not for the sake of people. I cover myself for Allah.

I have realised what these dreams mean. Again and again they serve as a reminder. Whom am I worshipping? Everything that I do, every ibadah, is it really just for Allah? Am I truly ikhlas? Subhanallah. 

Of reflections and resolutions

I started off the new year by studying. There were no fireworks set off in the vicinity of Unikl BMI. Not even any noisy student parties. It was like it wasn't even the New Year. I faced a week and a half of exams after that. And then after that, one week was taken up by IELTS (which reminds me, I kind of wanted to do a little post on IELTS tips but I think that should wait until I get the results first. Jumping ahead of myself there, haha. We'll see). Time passed and before I knew it it was already the fourth week of January and I hadn't even got time to reflect on the past year and come up with 2014's resolutions. But better late than never.

I tried to describe 2013 in one word and the first word that came to mind was "change". But, thinking back when has there even been a year without change these past few years? 2011 brought along the biggest change. Life as I knew it would never be the same again. No more school. No more uniforms. In 2012 I experienced campus life for the first time. Got my first roommate (had four roommates actually - I moved a lot). And just when I thought I had settled in at PASUM -BAM- another change. I moved to Kedah. Finally, in 2013 I transitioned from a Foundation student, which is basically school without the uniforms, into an undergraduate degree student, which is something quite different indeed.

So, no, change is not an adequate word to represent 2013. Because everything, lately, has been about change. Even 2014 is going to usher in the second biggest change in my life (In Shaa Allah. Kya!! I'm so excited I have to keep reminding myself I still have to go through semester 2).

If I were to describe 2013 in one word it would be "growth". Simply because I think, more than in any other year, I have grown in 2013.

As for resolutions, my new year's resolution has always been the same. To become more organized. This year I have somehow managed to come into the possession of 3 calendars, 2 planners and a diary. Armed with this, how could one possibly fail to sort out their life and manage time better? The diary, though, is something I'm extremely hesitant about starting. Believe me, the purpose of keeping a diary and its benefits is not lost on me. I've heard about diaries where you write down happy things that happen and you can read through them at the end of the year and smile. But what if someone else reads it? That is probably my biggest fear. If I kept a diary I would constantly guard it and never sleep peacefully ever again.

Resolution number 2 is to learn a lot about Islam and become faquhu with that knowledge. What I understand of faquhu is you have to understand with your heart. Being a heavy thinker and somewhat lacking in the emotional department, this is extremely difficult for me. But try I will.

And resolution number 3 is be healthy. I want to live a long life.

Essay-writing rules dictate there must be a conclusion. I am really bad at concluding. How do I conclude this post? I know. I'll just do this until you can no longer read it. The end...

In half-bloom

Is there anyone still reading this old and dusty blog? Biasalah, hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Masa awal-awal tu je semangat. After that, writer's block, konon. Terus dah takde idea dah. But now there's so much to be told I don't quite know where to begin. How long has it been since my last post? Almost a year? Really? So much has happened.

I've graduated Foundation (with flying colours, if I may add XD). I've started my Degree and am now officially a university student - and feeling all grown up even though home is just an hour away. And now first semester finals are inching closer and I'm just starting to catch the momentum to study, study and study. Last minute, as always. When will you break this habit, Habibah? But before I go off and study (Principles of Electrical Engineering and Electronic Devices. Such killer subjects!), there are two things I'd like to talk about.

Firstly, Sir Roy. For our first semester in BMI, we're required to take a preparatory IELTS class. It carries zero credit hours but is important because an IELTS score of at least Band 6.5 is one of MARA's requirements to fly to the UK. Sir Roy teaches it. I still remember our first class with him. We were all scared. He's the kind of person that can make your heart jump and beat uncontrollably loudly with just a glance. Even after a semester with him, I still sometimes have trouble meeting his eyes. But, oh, he cares. He cares so much for his students and it shows and it tugs at my heart sometimes, to think that he'll still be thinking of me years from now. I won't forget you, sir. The first person to ever notice and comment on my British Accent, although he said it sounded American at first, grrrr. His words then were, "Your accent is your strength." I never saw it that way before. To be honest, it was embarrassing to sound so different from everyone else. I have tried to tone down my accent, but the British-ness of it didn't quite go away. It couldn't and I'm glad it didn't. Because now I see it as a gift, as an advantage that I have that not many people can have. I've realized my accent is a precious thing. It makes me different, which is not altogether a bad thing. This realization has led to a newfound confidence, which brings me to my next point.

I am blooming. I know it sounds weird, but I think of myself as a flower. All this while, through high school and foundation, I was still a bud. Many others had started blooming but I was still latent. I wonder if people reading will understand this.... Am I being too symbolic? Basically, now I'm less afraid and generally more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not fully there yet. I still don't put my hand up or voice my opinions out in class all that often, and I'm not sure I ever will; the latter is especially daunting. But at least I'm confident during presentations and this has an effect on the audience too. They listen. This makes me extremely happy because for once in my life, I know I exist. And this blossoming of mine was only possible here in BMI. In this very environment, surrounded by exactly these people. It couldn't have happened at KMKN, where there were too many stars, or PASUM, where everything was overwhelming, or Jalan 2. The conditions weren't optimum. Neither was I ready. I think that's the purpose of education. To make us ready. We are all buds, and through education we blossom. 

Now I feel like I really belong here, in this program. I've always felt like my life's achievements have all been due to luck. I got good results because the questions happened to be easy, because the clever kids happened to transfer to boarding schools, because, because... But I see now, maybe it was Allah's way of pushing me forward. Very slowly, because He knows you can't be sudden with these things. Alhamdulillah, Allah's plan is truly the best of plans. 

Reaching the end of this post. I'm afraid this hasn't been a very good one. I've rambled too much and you probably couldn't keep up. I promise the next post will be better and easier to follow. Maybe I'll write of my cooking adventures. Of microwave cakes and failed chocolate whipped cream. Look forward to it. Until then, study.

Cinnamon

Hari ni makan Cinnabon.

Bila sebut Cinnabon mesti teringat Legoland dan bila sebut Legoland mesti teringat Cinnabon. The two are one and the same in my mind. Because, you see, Legoland introduced me to Cinnabons. At the entrance of Legoland, UK, there's a Cinnabon shop. I don't remember a lot about our trip to Legoland (strangely enough I remember going to the travel agency beforehand to book tickets and a hotel near the theme park) but this little shop I remember very well. The Cinnabons I ate at that time were delicious beyond compare.

Unfortunately, there are very few Cinnabon shops in Malaysia but by a stroke of luck my mum found one in One Utama. It's been years since I've had one of these. The strong smell of cinnamon. The sticky sweetness. It's not as delicious as Legoland's Cinnabons but it still takes me back.

Umm, hello.

It's been a while.

I don't know why but I haven't had the inspiration.

This is starting to get depressing.

OK, I'll talk about KMKN.

When I first arrived there it was musim pepatung. While they were noisy, they were concentrated only at the parking area so they didn't annoy me. They didn't last long.

Then came musim lalat. The flies pretty much conquer the dining hall. By now I've probably gained some muscle from continuously swatting flies while eating. Once, I was just about to empty my plate - mungkin dua tiga suap lagi baru habis - when -tup- a fly fell right in the middle of the plate. Dead. So, of course, I had to bin it all. Musim lalat is still going strong much to my disgust.

Most recently, it was musim kumbang. They were small, black, flying beetles my roommate and I dubbed "the creepy crawler" (we call all insects we don't know the name of creepy crawlers actually). During their peak, they were everywhere. They clung to the laundry we hung up outside. They covered the bathroom floor at night. The ceiling too. It was so bad one time, I had to sleep with a towel over my head - my blanket has holes in it, they wouldn't do - because they kept landing on my face. When they started dwindling in numbers I was so relieved. And now they're gone.

Lepas ni musim apa? I shudder to think of that.

Good thing is there are no mosquitoes. At least not in my room.